I have a vivid memory from sixth grade when the teacher asked us to publicly name what scared us the most. I was so terrified of saying something silly in front of my peers that I became frozen with fear. Ironically, I couldn’t think of a single thing that scared me as I waited my turn. I have no memory of what I actually said. All I know is that it didn’t resemble the truth, only an intense effort not to look foolish. In retrospect, the truth was lost on my frightened eleven-year-old self. As I sat in fear, the great irony is that I had no idea what really scared me.

Separate from it

Part of the reason I didn’t know what I was afraid of is that I was stricken by it. It wasn’t over there – it was right here, occupying every cell in my body. It overtook me. And when we over-identify with any emotion, we can’t think clearly or understand it cognitively when we aren’t separate from it. Eckhart Tolle talks about being the “Watcher of your Thoughts,” a concept that helps us to separate ourselves from the things we think and feel. We are not our thoughts and feelings. They are separate from us, kind of like the weather that comes and goes. If we can learn to observe them as such, we are in a more powerful position to act from a place of peace.

Name it and keep it close

Another reaction to fear is to attempt to run away from it. Running from fear doesn’t make it go away, it simply keeps you from facing it and understanding it. It’s still there. Acknowledging what we are afraid of gives us an opportunity to look at it, examine it, feel it, name it, and most importantly get to know it well. After all, you can’t overcome what you don’t acknowledge. If you prefer to think of fear as the enemy, then just remember the old adage, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” You can think of fear as your friend or your enemy, but either way, keep a close eye on it.

Get Curious about it

Once you stop over-identifying with it and running from it, get curious and take a real look at it. It often has an important message for you. If you stay open and curious, realizing the threat is actually only a thought in your mind, and more often than not with no basis in truth, your body relaxes. When you relax, you can get creative. That’s when your fear can begin to work for you instead of against you.

Utilize it

What scares us the most is often what we are compelled to do. I’m talking about the kind of fear that feels scary but exciting, not icky or life threatening. Case in point: Damn if my sixth grade fear of public speaking and looking foolish in front of others doesn’t still plague me. And public speaking has become a goal of mine so, I’ve taken on some challenges in recent years to put myself in front of people to speak which has had scary moments. Fear was there, but instead of negotiating my way out of it, I used fear as a propellent rather than a deterrent. And nothing is more gratifying than facing fears and taking action in the direction of what we really want.

Make it work for you

I heard a story on the radio recently about a guy who was paralyzed by fear after his wife left him. http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2015/01/16/377239011/by-making-a-game-out-of-rejection-a-man-conquers-fear When he realized his biggest fear was rejection, he created something called “Rejection Therapy” a sort of desensitization to rejection. He figured if he made rejection his goal, then every rejection he experienced was a win. He challenged himself by creating situations that would cause rejection. What he discovered was that by putting himself out there, he became less fearful and was rejected less than expected. Our fears are always worse in our minds than they are in reality. He began writing his ideas on cards and selling them so that others could get in on the fun, and now it’s become a business for him. He turned his fears into fuel for betterment and growth.

As Franklin D. Roosevelt so famously stated, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Unexamined fear creates chaos and misery, starts and perpetuates wars, and keeps us from a life of peace and happiness. When we are committed to examining our fears, we can take charge of our experience and create a better existence. 

Whether the goal is as simple as overcoming rejection or as grandiose as creating peace in our world, acknowledging, understanding and harnessing our fears are essential steps in helping us to move through them. Becoming aware enough to stop ourselves from over-identifying with them or pushing them away, we can observe and learn from them. If you get curious and creative enough then maybe, like this guy, you can even have some fun with it.  If he could get an 80-year old Russian Babushka to play “rejection therapy” to pick up men, then just think of what you could do!

I’d love to hear from you. What scares you the most? What fears are keeping you from doing something you really desire? What creative steps do you plan to take to move through them?

Brene Brown reminds me to be brave, to take risks, to be assured that perfection will only deter me from attaining my dreams. I don’t know about you, but these are things I need to remember daily as I go about my business.

Shrinking

When I was young, I used to shrink. It was the path of least resistance. Heaven forbid I might do something to make people potentially dislike me. You see, being liked was supreme for me. It was a primary motivating force in my young life. I didn’t know it at the time, not consciously at least; it was just what I did. I let other people’s agendas trump my own. I went with the flow. I was sweet and friendly. I apologized often. I smiled and laughed a lot. People liked me.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love to laugh and smile and get along with people. The problem wasn’t in how I related to others, it was how much I didn’t relate to myself. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. Often, I was so busy people-pleasing that I didn’t even know how I felt about anything enough to know what I should stand up for.

What I know now is that I wasn’t being fully myself, and when we aren’t ourselves, we aren’t honest. I never thought of myself as dishonest, but the reality is that I was hiding parts of me that I thought seemed unacceptable. Now I see that my “nice” behavior was actually a weak and obsequious assault on my own true nature. But it was how I learned to survive and get along in the world. It felt safe to stay in the comfortable dwelling of “likability,” so there I stayed for many years. Shrinking to feel safe and comfortable.

Puffing up

Fast forward a few years – add in marriage, a couple of kids and a little life experience and you get mama bear for whom protection trumps “nice.” I allowed these feisty bits to come forward, but they were usually on behalf of my children. I was baby stepping toward empowerment, but it generally had that visceral sort of “Don’t mess with my kid” vibe. When my child struggled in school, I would march in to meetings with teachers and administrators, guns blazing. I also had a few personal encounters here and there where I burst into a situation on the offensive, ready to fight… likability be damned!  I knew I was right and there was no way to convince me otherwise.

As I reflect on these incidents I understand why they were necessary. The pendulum took its swing to the “puffed-up” side after spending so much time in hiding – shrinking and denying the part of me that wanted to stand up and be heard. All that pent up energy needed to express itself now and then. And it felt good. It felt powerful to stand up for something that mattered to me. And it was easier to stand up for my children than for myself, but I had to start somewhere. Getting to the next step would take a little more courage and time.

Standing my Sacred Ground

I’ve always had a sassy side, mostly hidden away, only to sneak out and surprise people – sometimes even me – on occasion. Invariably, I enjoy people who are outlandishly funny and audacious. Anyone who unapologetically stands her ground has always had a tremendous appeal. I now understand that I’ve secretly wanted the courage to be just that. Unapologetically myself.

With age comes wisdom, and the ability to be more fully ourselves. What a relief. It’s taken years of hard work as I continue to work on overcoming my shrinking pattern with intermittent, angry moments of self-righteous puffing up, to find the happy medium of I’m-okay-exactly-as-I-am. I don’t have to shrink and reduce who I am, nor do I have to puff up to be seen, heard and validated. I now work hard daily to find what my sacred ground is and how to stand it, thanks to years of commitment to becoming more fully me. I came to understand that by denying my true nature and aiming primarily to please others, I compromised not only who I was for myself, but who I might be to others, or even to the world.

In what ways do you shrink? When do you notice yourself puffing up? Have you found a good method of coming back to center and standing your sacred ground? Please share your responses – I’d love to hear from you.

2. Trust Yourself and Live Your Truth – Take everything in through the filter of what is right and true for you.

3. Accept What Is – Change what you can. Let go of what you can’t. Remember that often the most powerful thing you can change is your mind.

4. Be Kind to Your Body – Eat healthy food. Walk. Jog. Swim. Meditate. Dance. Engage in something physical that energizes you. It releases hormones that increase mood and relieve stress.

5. Watch your Thoughts – Turn the volume down on the inner critic. Turn the volume up on the quiet whisper that is your intuition. Be mindful of your thoughts and gentle on yourself.

6. Connect – Make your world more engaging and interesting by connecting with old friends or making a new one. Smile at a stranger. Rest assured you are never alone – there are powerful forces, visible and invisible, that conspire for your success 24/7.

7. Recognize Problems as Opportunities – Problems are life’s indicators to pay attention, learn something, and perhaps change course. It’s simply information. Don’t make it mean something that might hinder you in overcoming it. As Byron Katie so aptly states, “Everything happens for us, not to us.”

8. Relish The Power of Now & The Power of Later – This moment is all we ever have – right here, right now. Make the best of it. If your child is sick and needs your attention, the laundry will still be there tomorrow; keep what you care about most in your line of sight.

9. Practice Gratitude – Notice what you truly appreciate…even if you’re experiencing a rough patch and all you can feel thankful for is the simple fact that you are breathing; it’s always better than the alternative.

10. See the Beauty Around You and the Beauty Within You – Breathe in fresh air. Listen to birds sing. Smell the flowers. Watch the sun set. Feel the kindness and love in your own heart.

In my early years as a mother I thought I could find the answers to all of my parenting questions in a book. I believed that the experts could tell me how to raise my children. It took me years of seeking before I realized that the answers were not out there. Like Dorothy I thought I had to metaphorically travel far and wide only to find that all I needed was right here. What I lacked wasn’t knowledge, but trust in myself.

With this internal doubt, I went madly seeking outside myself for answers. I found lots. It was a mixed bag of answers, but I was willing to try it all because I thought someone – anyone – knew better than I. The fact was that no one knew me or my children better than I did. It took me many years and dozens of trips to our local bookstore to finally realize this. I’m still a huge fan of parenting books and parent education – I just know now that they are simply a resource from which to pull information that we can combine with our own experience and insights, not a quick fix, a formula to follow, or a means to an end.

Thankfully, my frenzied search was never in vain. I found some excellent resources and learned many things of great value that have stayed with me throughout my years of parenting. What I didn’t realize at the time was that those books and parenting classes weren’t a substitute for my own inner knowing. My lack of self-trust had me believing that I needed someone else to tell me what to do. The answers seemed to be “out there” somewhere. Like Dorothy, I hoped that there was a magic that would make my troubles melt like lemon drops. On the upside, my optimism and curiosity compelled me to continue my search for answers.

Fortunately, my perseverance led me right back to myself every time, and eventually I began to listen to my own inner voice. Everyone talks about a mother’s intuition. Well, I finally found mine. In reality, it was there all along, just like Dorothy’s ability to get back home. I just didn’t know it until I began to pay attention.

Parenting is one of the more humbling experiences in life. Around every corner is a new challenge. Just when we think we’ve got it all figured out, flying monkeys come out of nowhere in the form of screeching toddlers and shouting teenagers. Like Dorothy and her crew, we must remain strong and stay the course.

What my own insights have taught me is that we can learn to meet our kids right where they are because no book or expert has the perfect formula since every child is unique. We must read what compels us, take what works, and leave what doesn’t. In parenting as in life, trial and error is key and learning from our mistakes is paramount.

Above all, we must always accept and embrace our children, especially when they are their worst selves; for it is when they are their most unlovable that they need our love the most. We are their parents for a reason, and we often know much more than we think we do. Because, the truth is that when it’s all said and done, there really is no place like home.